Some days are just filled with life lessons. However, I’ve been repeating one particular lesson over and over again and apparently I still haven’t learned anything from it.
My words are spew. I just SPEW words all over the place… Not quite as much in my writing, but in person I just keep alternating between ‘speak from the heart’ and ‘shut the fuck up’, and I have NO balance between the two.
Here’s the deal. When I began this journey, my only real goal was to move towards a more authentic self. Well – I overshot that goal by a rather wide margin. At a certain point everything I forced myself to endure gave me a gift.
But as a person who JUST escaped the darkness of NPD three weeks ago, I am ILL PREPARED to receive this gift! Hell, I was unprepared to receive the gift of what it would mean to be a more authentic version of myself!
So now I’m in a really really crazy and very very odd place!
One of my early (last week) thesis points on NPD was:
The false self and the true self end up in an ongoing pitched battle though. Which causes all kinds of internal emotional havoc and drives a LOT of the fragile narcs behaviors. In fact, it is my belief that ALL of the dysfunctional fragile narc thought and behavioral patterns can be summed up as 10% to 20% not understanding and connecting with people, and 80% to 90% bad behavior on the part of an emotional child that was never forced to grow up and was never given the tools to be anything other than a narcissist.
For me personally, the 10% to 20% connection issue largely disappeared when I started to really tackle my narcissistic mind. It’s the 80% to 90% bad behavior bit that is truly challenging!
So now add to this mix an accidental, spontaneous spiritual awakening. Something HUGE that I basically just stumbled my way into. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t even REMOTELY ready. A week ago I was still asking questions about how adults process emotions and deal with their emotions in the real world; and then BOOM!
Okay, so within this new state of mind is a complete shift in how I perceive the world and my internal experience. A part of this shift includes the KNOWING that I am not the sum of my emotions. That I am not the sum of my thoughts. That the I that I think I am does not really exist.
Great – so now living in a mindful state is a bit easier – quite easy actually MOST of the time. I see my thoughts and emotions come and go as ebbs and tides on a great sea of emptiness. I am not attached to them, so they have no real power anymore. Again, MOST of the time.
There is also this tremendous sense of KNOWING and SEEING truth, not just hearing it or intellectualizing it. However, because I am ill prepared for this gift, I am unable to fully process what to DO with it!
It’s as if someone ‘jacked’ into my brain and uploaded a new wisdom 1.0 file. But I still retain many of the same faulty conditioned thoughts and behaviors of a seven year old child. I still see the world through the same eyes I did before I caught a glimpse of true peace. Some things went away and some things just remained.
The real problem is that the wisdom 1.0 file was loaded onto a system that DOES NOT HAVE THE CORRECT SOFTWARE INSTALLED TO PROPERLY WORK WITH IT ALL.
It’s like having the difference between adobe reader and the full adobe suite. I am able to LOOK at a page of the wisdom 1.0 file and SEE that page. I can READ it. However, I cannot do anything OTHER than read it. There is nothing else I can do with the data that is stored in the wisdom 1.0 file.
The data however, DOES NOT STOP COMING! In fact the pace speeds up and suddenly you’re just skimming the pages to stay up to speed on what’s going on. You still can’t DO anything with the data though – it just keeps coming in!!!
This is like having a MASSIVE system overload! The result is – I spew! At least in my case.
Spew is the result of my big fat head and my big fat mouth running around with this bright new shiny thing and wanting to show it to everyone and tell them all about it. Just like a seven year old with a new toy on Christmas day.
Yet I do not UNDERSTAND it in any real sense. I do but I don’t. It’s like the instruction manual is missing and I’m just banging on keys until I see something happen on the screen. That thing is spew.
Long story short, I am now struggling with how to maintain everything in balance and learn skillful methods for interacting with the world from this new place. All without coming across as a complete DICK in the process.
Meanwhile the spew continues…