An Observational Analysis of My Awakening (Part I).
The Nature and Depth of My Suffering
This was my first public post – and the first record I have to work with:
I am a 42 year old male with diagnosed NPD. This is my first post on this forum. I consider myself relatively self-aware – although that doesn’t really matter unless I can stop myself from saying or doing regrettable things before they come up.
I hate my disease. I am in therapy again now and trying to move things in the right direction again. What I hate most are 1) the loneliness (I’ve severed all social ties except for my current SO because no one can count on me for anything – ever); and 2) the damage that I am continually doing to others (at home, in the workplace, with my extended family; pretty much anyone who lets me in).
These three statements also show the depth of my suffering:
I explained to her that there is a dark monster that lives behind my eyes, over which I have no real sense of control. I told her that I use people – that it’s what I do – that using people is at the very core of who I am. I told her that she cannot trust a word out of my mouth. I reminded her that I am a soul-sucking vampire and she has first-hand experience of this. I told her in no uncertain terms that she MUST sever ties with me – or else I am going to do nothing but suck her in. To reinforce the degree of my malignance, I even explained how as a Narcassist, if I was absent awareness of my condition, I wouldn’t have told her any of this – and would have just figure out a way to play her instead. In essence I told her to RUN!
But I am so alone. Therapy isn’t enough, yet I’ve cut myself off from everyone despite that fact. I really really really need to open up my social circles and begin interacting with others again. Part of me believes the ex would be a really good person to connect with and talk to. She’s seen me at my absolute worst and my absolute best more than once. She knows me better than anyone else in the world. The amount of pain that I am in – and the level of shame that I feel… She would understand and be willing to help me – in a way that I could never help her.
I hate myself right now – you know the kind of internal, inward directed self-shaming and self-hate… the stuff that fuels the disease. I hate that I’ve done this to my ex. I hate that I’ve hurt her yet again. I hate that my self-destructive nature has taken another victim. And most of all I hate that I can’t stop myself – even when it comes to one of the few people that I actually care about (other than myself).
These had to do with my SO and is where it all really started:
However, I am currently struggling to stop myself from engaging in the ‘discard’… New plans for our future are bringing up old issues and I’m in that place where I could disappear tomorrow… Which is another reason why entertaining any kind of relationship with my ex is a bad idea. Having another source of narcissistic supply on the back burner to make the transition easier is VERY challenging to resist – and it’s what we do. After everything shes done for me, my SO deserves more from me… so does my Ex. I’m partly in therapy because I want my life to get better, but I’m also partly going because I want to be the person my SO deserves… that all of the people in my life deserve.
Right now I’d classify myself as a Raw NPD. I am a 42 year old man examining my emotional state with the capabilities of a 6 or 7 year old child. I get that I’m broken. I see my damage. I acknowledge the things I do… and I want to get better. It’s a raw sensation because I am continually swallowed every time I take my emotional box out and start sifting through what’s in there. Yesterday I took a look at my loneliness. Examined it for a while, started to shed a few tears, put it away – and five minutes later I’m out on the town with a big smile as if nothing ever happened – and my SO had no clue. I’m also consumed by what I can only call a full-body, continuous panic attack right now (and I’ve been in this state for the last 3 or 4 days, pretty much since this began). It sucks soooo bad!
I was absolutely desperate to get better!