As with the methods I used to break down my own disorder and understand it. I am now doing the EXACT same thing with the process that I used to move from a narcissistic mind to an awakened mind. I promise nothing! But if you see ANY potential here PLEASE give me your input! I hold in my heart that this could actually work!!!
THIS IS NOT A JOKE! THIS REALLY HAPPENED! IF YOU CANNOT ACCEPT THIS READ MY STORY LINE! IF YOU STILL REMAIN BLIND I CANNOT HELP YOU SEE!
Here are the current components of my working theory, with a brief description of each one and why I believe it was important to my own awakening.
I just ran across this WONDERFUL article about spiritual awakenings. It prompted something in me that I needed to share IMMEDIATELY!
Two pieces within it specifically stood out.
Under the heading of ‘The Varieties of Awakening Experience’, the heart opening is what occurred for me.
Heart Opening: A deep sense of opening in the chest, often with an overwhelming sense of unconditional love for all beings, which brings about a significant change in the psychological orientation, increasing sensitivity, compassion and appreciation for life.
She also includes a paragraph that I believe is the true key to how I was able to shift my narcissistic mind into a true spiritual awakening!!!
Waking up is what happens in response to the question “Who is having these experiences?” and searching neither thought nor emotion to find an answer. It is not the process of having an experience, however ecstatic and profoundly mystical it may be. It is the understanding of that which has an experience, or that which lives through us and is eternally present through all time and experience. To wake up we have to give up the idea that we are a personal identity who is seeking experiences, and begin to wonder what is really true underneath and behind all experiences that humans live.
One part of the key is in the search for a personal identity!
This is the very question that a fragile narcissist, truly ready to heal, must ask at their deepest innermost core. It is the very nature of the question ‘who am I’ that stirs the vapors of life that may later infuse an awakening spirit. This is what I faced. It was an absolute commitment to becoming something new – moving toward a more authentic me. I HAD to have an answer to this question and I refused to quit until I did.
One part of the key is a sense of intense personal suffering!
When I began this journey I was enduring terrible internal personal suffering. It was emotional agony! My world was lonely and dark. I only had one person in it, and we had a tacit agreement to live as disconnected lovers. I was angry and cruel to everyone and disrespected the whole of the human race. As the full nature of my darkness revealed itself to me, I was forced to DO SOMETHING!
One part of the key is a mind already tuned to make the leap!
I’ve been studying Buddhism in the Therevada tradition, using Vipassana meditation techniques for just about 10 years now. I had a steady practice and deep passion for the INTELLECTUALIZATION of the Buddha’s teachings for about a year or so – and then things faded a bit for me. I stopped meditating for years. There were parts of me that always remained partially present in what little understanding of the practice I did have. I already had all of the training – and the tools; and even some of the necessary experience. The book Mindsight was all I needed to get those mindfulness muscles moving again!
One part of the key is a level of unbelievable personal courage!
Now that I truly love myself, I can take ownership and express gratitude for delivering this small personal kindness in my own direction. What I did took incredible courage! It was the bravest thing that I have ever personally done. I am in awe of the fact that I was able to endure and to overcome! However, I absolutely REFUSED to accept NO as an answer! I was going to find myself and deliver myself from the darkness NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK!
One part of the key is a strong analytical and problem solving locus!
Very early in my process I had written a lot about listing and owning of my TRUE GIFTS. In several posts I’d said that my strongest true gift is:
large-scale systems thinking and analytical problem solving. I am often able to identify and describe connections between objects and events that lead directly to new insights and solutions. Some times these connections are only apparent to me – which I often find surprising.
My mind had to dissect EVERY PART of my disorder with RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY! I dug so deeply into every part of my own personal history that I kept unlocking one door after another, making connection after connection after connection. This was the popcorn popper effect that I kept referencing in places. This part of me is what is now assembling this entire roadmap for [potentially] TURNING YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS INTO A GIFT OF DIVINE MAGNITUDE!!!
One part of the key is to know, intuitively, what your own personal path looks like!
I fully revealed myself to three key people in my life. I healed the emotional wound that had created my initial break. I had queried those around me for instruction and strength. I received guidance from a beautiful soul of a therapist. I focused on mindful awareness and moment by moment presence. I cut off access to all of my old hiding places. I removed all connections with people and ideas that could hinder or thwart my healing. I used radical self-honesty to query every aspect of who I am. I faced every emotion – every pain – every ounce of misery that flooded through me. I pushed and I pushed.
One part of the key is your own inner will – finding your own strength to break free!
This isn’t really something I can describe. It’s more than courage – it’s more than willpower. It’s a sense of recognition and understanding of what MIGHT be possible if you could take down the walls of your own mind. It is touching this in your heart and soul, and feeding it deeper into your resonating mind.
One part of the key is something that only you will know!
It is the seed within yourself that you must find, plant, tend, nurture, and grow until the bud blossoms. For me, I think it was the knowledge that I had been a monster for 35 very dark and lonely years! Again, from the perspective of my analytical mind, I wanted to invert the problem! i.e.
- Fragile Narcissism = Hatred for myself and hatred for the world.
- The Only Real Answer = Love for myself and love for the world.
This is why mine was a heart opening!!!
Now – there’s still a lot more I want to investigate, research, analyze, and add here. And I will. But for now I just felt this deep urge to write this and get it out immediately for review and comment by ANYONE interested in digging into this thing with me!!!
I’ll leave you with this last little bit from the article that prompted this potential revelation. It is the basis of what I touched and what I now carry within me. It is nothing. It is everything. It is wonderful! and it CAN be yours!
Of course the realization of Self or Truth that is spiritual awakening can bring great passionate joy and exaltation. It feels like the culmination of a search that has lasted thousands of years, finding at last our roots, our home, and our source. But after the ecstasy, an adjustment period lies ahead. There is a paradox because the search has ended, but a new dimension of spiritual development has begun; every aspect of the psyche is going to be exposed to the light of consciousness. This has been called the dark night of the soul, the stage of purification, the unloading of the unconscious, transformation, crucifixion, moving through the hell realms, and many other things. I think of it as deconstruction. The structure is being disassembled so that spirit can live freely without the old conditioning.
If you STILL have doubt. Read the above paragraph again and then read these two accounts of my own personal experience:
One is my awakening.
The other is CLEARLY aligned with what she calls the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. It was the same night as my awakening.
If you still need even more, you can go to this location and follow the entire history of my journey – watching the way I did things, the realizations that occurred, and when this suddenly and unexpectedly became a LOT MORE about spirituality than traditional psychology.