The All Consuming and Ever Present Nature of Doubt

On Oct 13 2014 at around 10pm, I woke up. My entire view of the world was flipped on its head, and my path became absolutely crystal clear.  It was amazing, wondrous, awe-inspiring, and more.

Later that same evening, I was confronted with wave upon wave of mind numbing, soul crushing DOUBT! It tried to take away my resolve and return me to the darkness once more.

It wasn’t her fault. She was simply communicating her frustration with me – and rightly so.  But when my SO gave me a small sneer, waved her hand in the air to indicate ‘me and all of my damage’ and said something along the lines of ‘unable to deal with all of THIS!’  It sent me into a tail spin.

What was so great about this experience though was that I was able to watch my doubt tumble down and land upon me with mindful awareness. I even wrote about the experience in my notebook as the doubt descended to full force in a matter of about five minutes.  It was quite incredible to watch.

Here’s what I wrote:

I have touched it

Yet my mind is untrustworthy

My mind has been numb for most of my life

I have pressed myself past so much

I pushed myself quite hard

And I touched it

Or did I?

Did I just push too hard and snap?

Am I succumbing to yet another layer of my delusion?

Is this an unhealthy grasping mind wanting to be…

There are several additional notes on the page as well, including a report on my progression as I watched the shadow of doubt attempt to block out the light of my truth:

I have taken her anger and am blaming myself for it

Doubt to sadness

I am saddened by the possibility that this moment may not have been real

A desire to end it all…

Really? Already?

My doubt is physical. Like shame.  Like rage. 

So this process took about five minutes and I watched it all unfold in its magnificent beauty. Yeah, doubt sucks, but to be ACTIVELY AWARE OF IT – it was incredible!

I want to comment on the ‘desire to end it all’ and ‘really? already?’ lines. This one was funny to me. In the moment all I wanted to do was die, and I was laughing at myself for it – but as if two sides of the same coin.

I’d been awake for just a few hours, and I wanted to die already? It was such an obvious trick of the false self, of the ego, of the confused and grasping mind.  The fact that my amusement had arisen – and I was watching it to, prompted me to add the double challenge in response.  It really was quite funny to me…

The doubt actually came in from two PHYSICAL directions. It descended down upon me like a cloud, and then additional waves of doubt would erupt from below and give strength to the cloud.  This process lasted most of the night.  I tossed and turned and got very little real rest – if any.

I was so terrified in the darkness… for some reason my mind was playing tricks on me.  As I lay there, in bed, on my side, I would hear noises behind me – and I would freeze.  I WOULD COMPLETELY FREEZE.  I could not move AT ALL!  I was unable to will my limbs into motion.  This happened maybe 2 or 3 times over a period of 10 or 15 minutes.

Then the noises stopped, but the freezes continued. One of them was agonizing.  I was completely trapped in my mind for a good minute or more – I had NO awareness of my body!  While at the same time I was completely aware of the fact that I was frozen from head to toe.  I remember trying to scream from within my mind – a terrifying, agonizing scream – and there was no sound.

Eventually this came to an end and I probably drifted off for a few hours – 2 or 3 at the most.

When I awoke the next morning, all of my experiences and all of my clarity from the previous night were still there and fully intact. However, they had a dull edge to them in terms of faith, intellectual acknowledgement, and commitment to action.  There was still one tiny shred of truth that I held tightly to though.

There was a portion of the Byron Katie CD I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this site, where she had talked about testing for truth. I do not know her exact words, but it amounted to ‘anything that comes from a place of love, or that moves us closer to a place of love is an undeniable truth’.  This is the one shred that I held onto in order to keep myself moving forward.  This is still what I reach for when I find my awareness absent from the world in some way.

I set out to put my doubted truth to the test… I needed something verifiable in order to pull on that thread and unravel my doubt.  I spent the afternoon loving every person I saw.  I interacted with several people and had wonderful conversations with them.  I saw their faces light up as I asked them simple questions that included interest in them as human beings.  Using their names to thank them…  It was amazing.

So after an afternoon of this, my doubt had been pushed to the back of my mind. I did the same thing the next day. And the next day. And the next.  And today.

With each new day of living my new life – in love with the world, the doubt gets pushed back a little further and the cloud dissipates just a bit more. It is the one emotion or sense that I have been unable to quell within my mind.

The rest of my emotions continue to swirl around in a moment by moment composition of people, places, things, names, words, and so on. There’s fear, anxiety, shame, anger, rage – all of it.  It’s all still there.  It’s just that now I watch them with curiosity and kindly amusement when they arise.

I examine these moments in order to better understand them and to find the gift that lies within.   For instance, today I was in a seminar on love and relationships.  I was sitting in the back meditating and listening.

I did not care for the presenter. I did not like his style or his language or his approach.  He came across as an overdone pop culture version of a make believe life coach.  I REALLY disliked him after he started talking about money as being a primary measure of success.

So here I was with these thoughts, watching them arise and do their merry dance. I began to examine them and seek out the gift.  The moment of learning that awaited me – the thing that would help me open my heart to this man.  I knew – since I disliked him so much, that there MUST be a lesson.

There was! My lesson from this moment is that – it does not matter how truth is delivered.  Only that it is truth and that it is delivered in a manner that the recipients can benefit from.  And so with this thought as my heart, a projected love out to him and thanked him for his gift.

I have SO MANY more stories like this from just these past 4 or 5 days now! And it excites me, fills me with joy, and sets me free in ways I could NEVER have imagined.  I would say that I have NO DOUBT that I’m on my journey now, but that would be untrue.

The doubt remains. Sometimes it creeps out just a bit more – expanding and contracting at whim.  If it begins to take hold I usually go to my routine with my bracelet and my Fitbit, as reminders to love myself – beginning a cycle that gets me right back in alignment with living as love within a matter of seconds.

Because of my great faith in the truth of my moment, my experience of testing that truth over and over again, and my continued revelations regarding the nature of the world, I am CERTAIN that I will stay on this path until the very end of my days… Or until the path takes me to a place I have yet to even imagine.

It is so wonderful to be alive and free!  Now if I could just stop opening my big fat mouth and trying to tell people about this stuff…  I keep fumbling, bumbling, and mumbling my way through it – and I’m probably doing more harm than good.  These posts may slow down for a bit – I have still have a TON of learning to do!!!

As always, thank you so much for joining me on this journey.

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