I am feeling very passionate about writing something in particular today. It actually came to me as I was in the shower, thinking – just a few minutes ago.
This is going to be very difficult to write though. Not because I am at a loss for words, but because the magnitude of my spiritual shift was so huge, and so life altering, that it touched every part of my being.
Rather than going on about complexities. I’ll just get to the point and let this article write itself.
This article is about my rage.
I have not really thought about my rage as a separate and distinct ‘thing’ since that night. I have not BEEN rage since that night. In truth, rage really has no power over me anymore – at least in terms of what I’ve experienced since Monday evening to now.
This all became apparent to me during an e-mail exchange with the Dharma leader that I was going to be visiting this morning. We’ve moved things to Monday, but she had read my awakening post and wanted to guide me on the rage part.
Again – I have not really thought much about my rage since that night. Here was my response:
Monday is just fine – the rage isn’t what it was anymore. Everything about my rage shifted for me that night. When it arises I only see it as a bodily sensation now. I just watch my body play with the impulse of anger – almost from a distance. It is like an old friend now. It has no power because I just smile at it, I thank it, and I watch it – and so it just subsides in minutes. Don’t get me wrong – I’m definitely interested in hearing your thoughts on rage and many other topics This particular item just isn’t very high on the list anymore. Most pressing for me now are doubt, remaining grounded in love and mindfulness, and trying to understand how to process and deepen my experience.
Before I go into more detail, I also want to add a couple of lines from the words that I wrote as my awakening was occurring…
to love my rage – to TRULY love my rage
– my rage drove me to this place
– my rage gave me the gift of this place
Now I will attempt to provide more detail… I am turning off my mental language filters and just writing from the heart for the next few minutes. If what comes out makes no sense – I apologize.
My rage was a gift. It is what finally pushed me beyond the boundaries of my own mind, it forced me into myself and out of myself all at once. It tore through the delusion of this world and broke down the walls separating my mind from the truth.
Everything is a gift now. A moment of learning, a moment of teaching, a moment of seeing. Within my love for the world, I embrace my rage as a friend. When I see it, I smile at it and I thank it for the gift that it has given me.
My brain is nothing more than a collection of firing neurons and chemical impulses. My thoughts are an extension of this mind, the old mind. The mind that could not grasp its universality. As thoughts arise, I am conscious of where they arise from. I am conscious of how they move through my body. I am conscious of how they fade away.
My body still reacts. If there is a rage trigger, I can feel my rage begin to fill me. But it is nothing more than a momentary impulse to begin a process that no longer appeals to my mind.
Instead, when the rage arises, I see it as the friend it is – as the gift that gave me my sight. I greet it. I smile at it. I thank it for all that it has given me.
I also inquire as to what brought on the impulse – pondering for a moment the thing delivered by my senses to my brain, that instigated such a reaction. In most cases I just laugh it off – seeing it for the silly perceived misalignment of view that it really is.
And so – my rage no longer owns or controls me. If I feel this thing called rage – it is now just a blip. It has no power. My rage is my mind trying to stay within the illusion – to grasp at some aspect of what is, being different and separate from what I wish it to be.
In that moment, my two worlds come together again as one, and the rage slips quietly away. I wave good-bye to it. I smile at it. I thank it. And I let it know that I look forward to the next time it comes back for a visit.
And that is now my rage.
Again, if this makes no sense to you or it just sounds like a load of crap – I can only say that I am sorry. Not for myself though. I just wish I could hand you this same understanding of the world so you to could see everything fall away and fully grasp how none of these things truly matter…
Every aspect of our experience in this world is a component of the grand illusion that surrounds us and invades us. As this becomes apparent, this thing call NPD has no real meaning. Everything about it is revealed as a hoax perpetrated by a grasping mind.
There’s more to say here, but I don’t want to go on for too long. I just want to post and share this. I am excited about having the opportunity to share this with you.
Note – I have not actually placed myself in a particularly challenging situation yet. So far the above has been true of my anger and rage for the past three or four days of just being out and about in the world. Sometimes I do use my breath in order to help find balance with the sensation or impulse of rage if it is slightly stronger than a blip. But so far I have not hit anything that caused something akin to a narcissistic rage (or even close to it). However, I do not consider this experience to be fully tested until I am tired, hungry, already very inconvenienced, and presented with a situation that truly challenges my perceptions. At that point – we’ll see what happens. Who knows – perhaps my head will explode.