There are some of you wondering – I know that you are.
This is a joke right?
When is he going to start asking for money?
This whole things smells like a trap.
This smacks of narcissism taken to the extreme.
Ahhh – so now you are a god huh?
Loving yourself – DUDE YOU ARE A NARCISSIST!
This dude is going to crash and burn – and soon!
Crazy old coot. You’re just taking your delusion to a whole new level
There are more I’m sure… and don’t think that a few of these haven’t crossed my own mind. I am keenly aware that suffering from NPD includes a degree of grandiosity consistent with the types of things a narcissist might lay claim to in order to feign spiritual enlightenment and begin suckering in the masses.
In fact, you are wise to doubt me. But we also both know that’s exactly what a narcissist would say to mask the lie. Yep – you SHOULD continue to be skeptical. You SHOULD assume that I’m absolutely completely totally full of crap! A dose of skepticism is both healthy and natural – and can serve as an important survival mechanism. Hey – I’m all for trusting your gut!
To be clear on a couple of points though – I make no claim to anything even remotely resembling enlightenment. All I’ve said is that I’ve experienced a deep personal awakening that has reoriented my view of the world. Awakening is the only word that fits my experience.
All I had was a peek at what is possible. This peek has given me absolute clarity of vision, but with that clarity has come a whole new realm of challenges for which I am still very ill prepared.
In addition to my therapist and the on-going self-directed work that I’ve been doing (reading, contemplation, meditation, etc.), I am now seeking instruction from a Dharma leader within my own local branch of the Insight Meditation Society. We meet for our first actual interview tomorrow.
There is also a local Buddhist Recovery Network meeting that I’m planning to join on Sunday. It is still my belief that some aspects of NPD tie in to addictive behaviors – and that treating narcissistic supply as an addiction may be a further useful step for me to take. More than anything – having new teachers from the school of life enter into my world is just such an amazing opportunity – I expect to learn a great deal from the experience.
My point here with this post is just to offer hope. Everyone says that healing is not possible for a narcissist or for a ‘psychopath’. I chose to believe this early on, but then I decided that believing in limitations gives them a self-fulfilling quality.
Doubt is the most powerful force that I have now encountered (far beyond the experience of rage that facilitated my glimpse). If you have been following my journey, but are still filled with doubt, there is nothing I can do to remove that doubt for you.
All I can say is this – I am a real man. I was diagnosed with NPD of the fragile type by a trained and certified psychologist. I have struggled beyond belief in order to find my way – pushing myself harder than I could have ever thought possible. Most of it has been documented on this blog (as the process actually unfolded for me).
I was able to wake myself from the nightmare that was my life – and now I am tasting true freedom for the very first time. My pain and my rage gave me the gift of sight. Now I see the world in a whole new way – and my truth is love – just to be it, and to see it reflected in those around me.
It has given me so much joy to share my love through small kindnesses these last couple of days. Which is all that I’ve really been doing. In fact, this is all that I really need to do. Small acts of kindness, for all those who I’m lucky enough to have cross my path. Every act and every experience teaches me something new about myself, about the world, and – about what I’ve been missing for all these years.
That last part is why I continue to write these blog posts. There is this incredible gift of healing that I have found within myself – and it is something that I so thoroughly wish I could just hand to every person suffering from this disease and say “here it is, the simple truth – be love. Be the antithesis of everything that your false life has been and then you’ll know peace”.
It doesn’t work this way though. And I know it. I could shake the world by the shoulders as hard as possible screaming ‘wake up you fool’, and all it would do is hurt my own heart to see the blank stare and the suffering behind it. There is no waking from the delusion or finding peace without first challenging all that you think you know and all that you think you are. Personal pain and suffering is the gateway – it is a gift! But it is a journey that no one can take but you.
So when will I proclaim my godhood, demand money, and get my own TV channel? All I can do is laugh, and smile, and nod, and say – “and continue to remain trapped in the delusion?”
I probably WILL write a book though. Maybe. We’ll see. My journey has only really just begun.
-Thank you so much for visiting.