Next Steps

Last night was a moment I shall forever cherish.

So what’s next?  I have this sensation of being awake now, but I am also immediately aware of the fact that I have only NOW just begun the real journey.

Today I spent my day BEING love.  I went out into the world – and I spent my day with people.  I took joy in the laughter and smiles of children.  I took notice of the immense sadness on some faces, and – on just a few, a lightness and ease.  I made a point to bring love and joy to each interaction.  IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

What I saw today was the power of love.  As love, I saw myself reflected.

But now I am stuck in a quandary.  The way is clear, but my body is still controlled by a reactive mix of chemicals jettisoned throughout my limbic system.  My body still reacts with physical sensations as certain thoughts now pass.

It’s like seeing myself on two planes at once – a plane of the body and a plane of the mind.  My mind is clear, though doubt and fear and uncertainty continue to do their dance, so I can watch MOST things pass by and question them as they do.  My body on the other hand reacts on impulse at the emergence of the thought.

Certain behavioral impulses are still triggering aspects of my disorder – so I am not suggesting that I am entirely free.  However, the way is clear.

There is so much work to do – but so much love to do it with.

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