For those of you who actually know who I am and love me – reading this one may be hard for you. You may want to skip it.
Last night I found myself in a very dark and depressed place. I spent some time thinking about death.
In the forums that I was a part of, we had a discussion on the subject of suicide. This was my post [from 7 Oct 2014].
Opening up about issues related to suicide is a tough one for me…
There have been times I’ve placed myself in a position of danger, but I didn’t have it in me to take the final step. There are DEFINITELY times I’ve though that it’d just be easier to die. I’ve fascinated on the topic long and hard – at varying points in my life.
I always come back to this place where I end up reflecting on the beauty that IS POSSIBLE when you actually stop playing games long enough to take a look. Suicide is permanent! I know that my feelings are not. If I were to let a feeling get the better of me, there’s a lot I might still miss out on!
On 9 Oct 2014 (the day of awakening to myself for the very first time) I posted this to a different thread:
I am also noticing that I want to live… Like in the sense of the suicide discussions – my default mode is ‘ehhh’. There are times I wanted to die – and times I just didn’t care. Since the first time that I can remember, I have this realization that I really want to live! I want to exist!
Yesterday I’d hit a wall though – and it got bad for me. When I went to bed at the end of the evening, I just curled up in a ball, hid under my covers, and wished for death.
Here’s why I’m scarred though. In my posts I didn’t mentioned that I’ve always had this small collection of 2 or 3 mental mountain vistas that I’d reflect on as a way to deviate from the STUPID, TERRIBLE, AND PERMANANT decision of self-annihilation.
Last night, when I went to bed and began idealizing suicide as part of a depressed state, MY MOUNTAINS WEREN’T THERE! What was there instead was this overwhelming sense of ‘the world would be better off without me’.
This didn’t actually hit me full force until this morning, but I was truly terrified by the idea that the one thing that probably saved my life (more than once) IS GONE!!!
Now – let me be clear. I AM NOT SUICIDAL. Nor do I intend to harm myself in any way. The only reason I am writing this is because I KNOW that this will come up again for me – maybe even darker, and harder to get through.
I’m not AS worried now though – my SO took care of that with a simple statement: “Who put the mountains in your head?” Me. “Who put the sense that the world would be better off without you in your head?” Me. And then she just smiled and shrugged, and another piece of popcorn popped in my head.
There WILL BE dark days ahead for me – and I WILL still have to deal with my depressed states. But things like this are just tricks of the false self, who simply doesn’t want to be extinguished – and it wants to take ME with it if it IS extinguished.
It’s an illusion… At this point in my healing process, the illusions are fading away faster and faster and faster. Plus, I really GREW from this experience… Maybe I’ll speak to that growth a little later…