Trying to Grow Up

Tonight I ran into an emotional crisis that wasn’t really an emotional crisis at all, but it sent me into a tailspin anyway.  Panic, rage, the whole bit.  And then I just got even MADDER at myself for falling apart and not having the control to even deal with the simplest of emotions.

I’ve been like a little kid pulling at mommy’s skirts with my SO all damn day long – for the past two days!  Pestering, prodding, putting my choices and decisions on her – like I’m asking for permission.  And then I asked her an extremely DUMB question, which was NOT appropriate at all…  AND THEN I FLIPPED OUT in my own little rage bubble (not at her – the rage was directed inward at ME for being so damned stupid!).

And then I sat here and started typing a DIFFERENT blog post which I went ahead and dumped.  It was me crying out in a post about my terrible state of emotions – me me me – look at me!  Blaming, raging, manipulating, crying out…

I know what I’m doing and because I know it I want to break it – I think  this is at the core of my abandonment/rejection focus though, so it’s VERY difficult.

I’m acting out for attention so someone will hold me and tell me that it will all be okay, or I’m looking for a kind word or a loving gesture, or SOMETHING EXTERNAL that will take away my confusion, my frustration, my anger…  Something OUTSIDE ME that will make me feel better.

At the same time that I’m completely torn up inside and just a bundle of raw uncontrolled emotion, I KNOW that THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX, no one else’s!  But I’m also really ANGRY that I don’t have the tools!  I have no idea how to be a 42 year old man with the emotions of a 7-year old child.

Put like that – it even sounds crazy!  But it’s true – I never learned how to be alone with myself and be okay with that – not REALLY.  I never learned appropriate self-soothing or comforting techniques past what I had at 7 or 8.  So if I’m lost or confused, I panic and run to someone else for comfort and answers…

Where do I even begin with this kind of stuff though…  I’m doing the work – and today felt SO GOOD on so many levels, but then I suffer another complete breakdown tonight?

What the hell is that all about and WHY CAN’T I JUST HANDLE MY SHIT!!!

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