Today I want to talk about my narcissistic cloud – a new and unsettling mental experience.
Two times for sure – and maybe a couple of other times during the day (on a much smaller scale), I was hit by this overwhelming urge to just say ‘fuck it’.
I just tried explaining the sensation to my SO, and I’ll paint the same picture here.
It’s like the sun is shining down upon me for the first time… But suddenly a dark, ominous cloud rolls across the sky and blocks out the sun. I notice this moment. I turn towards the sun and I watch the cloud roll by. And then the sun is once more revealed.
During these moments I felt fear and confusion – and DREAD! And it was a very inviting, very scary sensation… letting go of my hard-won awareness and just allowing the false self to lull me to sleep again.
One of the areas in which I consider myself lucky is that I’d already intellectualized Buddhism for 10 years. I KNOW the mechanisms of mindfulness and its power – or at least I thought I did. Today’s experiences were fascinating and gave me a glimpse of what is possible.
Anyway – here’s the thing. I’ve fully exposed myself as a narcissist to my SO. She’s dealing with it on her own terms and we are working through what this really means to us, to her, and to me.
TELLING MY SO WAS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING EXPERIENECES OF MY LIFE.
But I don’t think I can heal without the truth on my side. I believe that all of my efforts WILL FAIL without accountability for my thoughts, words, and behaviors. I knew – deep down – that I HAD to reveal myself and all of my grandiosity and lies…
It is clear to me that this step, no matter how mind numbingly, heart stoppingly, or absolutely TERRIFYING it may be IS AN ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENT FOR HEALING!!!
Why? Because of my narcissistic cloud.
When that cloud rolled by – and I looked up at it. I didn’t just watch it pass by. I was able to scream upwards at it ‘sorry pal, but you’ve already been busted!’
See, being a narc means I lie – even to myself. MY BRAIN IS FEEDING ME FALSE NARRATIVES AT A MILLION MILES A MINUTE. I simply don’t have the level of awareness to STOP my grandiosity – but I’ve created a space with the people I’ve exposed myself to where I can correct as needed – or accept critiques and pointers as my false self continues to taint my outward behaviors.
Saying ‘fuck it’ isn’t an option now – and it’s a great way to keep the cloud in perspective instead of letting it fill my whole mental sky. My false self has nowhere to hide… There’s a level of internal and external accountability now that the false self can’t skirt around.
So my experience here tells me that IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to reveal EVERYTHING about yourself to at least one person who is close to you and in the best position to hold your hand while you take your first steps. Without it, the sun will stop shining and the darkness will settle back in again.
This is the truth of my experience so far, as I understand it today!