Last night I had a really tough time.
This morning I woke up with the realization that, after getting about 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night for the past 2 weeks, and barely eating because of this giant knot of nearly constant panic in the pit of my stomach, I’m not giving myself the rest or energy to really deal with this. So – more sleep, more food, more rest.
But that’s not what I want to talk about right now…
This morning my SO and I had some really wonderful discussions again. She’s such a terrific sounding board for my emotions and struggles – for which I am so tremendously thankful. The last part of the discussion created a ‘breakthrough’ moment for me…
Last night I ended with ‘why can’t I just handle my shit’.
I was REALLY frustrated and angry with myself and with my feeling of helplessness here. I was growing increasingly aware of just how much of my language and my world is infected by this thing. In DEEP, CONNECTED, MEANINGFUL discussions, I’m STILL adding my bullshit to the story.
For instance – typing, talking, it doesn’t matter, I’m a storyteller. I spin narratives. Words leave my mouth filled with untruth before I’ve even had time to think. Right now I am constantly having to self correct, cut figures in half when I use them , etc. But IT’S NOT ENOUGH! And, this is WAY MORE insidious than pathological lying (which is a really complex topic in it’s own right, but not what I suffer from)!
This thing continues to insert itself into my internal and external dialogue. It gives me this arrogant sense of self – THE GUY WITH ALL THE ANSWERS. I can see the frustration in my SOs eyes as I continue to spin my narratives and insert my dysfunction. It worries me A LOT that what will ultimately send her running is an inability to live with such a complete and total DICK!
Anyway, my ‘breakthrough’ this morning gives me a perspective that I’m going to be testing for validity and seeing if it registers within me as truth. Here’s what I THINK may be happening:
In the back of my mind I want to beat this thing and win this battle. I think I have this completely unique and completely accurate understanding of NPD that NO ONE else possesses. I WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO SOLVED NPD!
I’m also spinning this narrative in my mind that – once I’ve beaten this thing I really WILL be superman. I mean – I developed this whole set of skills and abilities over a period of 35 years that has allowed me to FAKE success quite well. I was still getting by on 10% or 20% of the effort that others were, and my work was still better than most.
If I was only putting in 20% (or 50% or 70% or 90%) and getting out the same 100% as everyone else! WHAT CAN I ACCOMPLISH IF I PUT 100% IN! Hell man – I’D BE SUPERMAN!!!
So here’s my breakthrough moment. I BELIEVE that because this narrative exists in my mind – and because I want to BELIEVE IN this narrative SO badly (as part of my delusion) that this narrative is what drives my inability to express myself honestly in regard to topics directly related.
What this means – and how I am seeing this now is that… Continuing to believe my own bullshit is at the root of my inability to speak and write honestly the first time I communicate something. It’s the narrative coiling itself around my voice! Whatever that particular narrative might be.
Today I’m going to spend time exploring this more internally, but I feel like I’m onto something with this thinking – and, if so, maybe this knowledge will allow me to start retraining myself and reducing or eliminating the grandiose voice that I cannot stop…
But then again – is that just my dysfunction to? It totally sucks that I can’t even trust my own mind… Maybe I’ll solve THAT dilemma tomorrow 😉