Be Prepared to Show Proof


My SO and I were just chatting and she made a comment about wanting to speak to my therapist as confirmation – and to make sure that I’m not still lying or playing out some other kind of delusion.

As far as I’m concerned, I think this is a GREAT idea.  I’ve been lying to myself – and to others for 35 continuous years!  NO ONE SHOULD TRUST ANYTHING COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH OR SHOWING UP ON THIS SCREEN…  Not even me!

No one will know if I slip either – no one but me.  So this places me in an awkward position, which, as a narc would normally make me incredibly angry.  I have to continuously DEMONSTRATE my alignment with the truth.

In my current state of awareness – I’m just fine with this.  The great thing is – for the first time in my life – I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!  There are still things I’ve done in my PAST that I may take to my grave, but from the moment of my awakening I’ve been an open book to anyone who I’ve exposed my secret to.  I HAVE TO BE!

After 35 years of lying – I expect it to take some time before people trust me again…  A LONG LONG TIME – THROUGH REPEATED, VERIFIABLE DEMONSTRATIONS OF THIER TRUST BEING HONORED!

So – what I’m saying is…  Be prepared to show proof…  Better yet – give them the tools to investigate your truth on their own – so there’s no question of tainted evidence either.

Just remember that it’s part of the process, and don’t let your rage get the better of you when you’re asked  for verifiable evidence.  Just roll with it…  and stick with the TRUTH!

5 thoughts on “Be Prepared to Show Proof

  1. Oh yes, I can relate to this one as a survivor. My wife was generally willing to “show proof” when she wanted to convince me of something — but her proof was not always reliable. In one infamous incident, she’d been in contact with someone on her “sh*t list” I was perpetually confused by who was “in” and who was “out.” She’d used my laptop to send an email and neglected to log out, and I accidentally saw that she’s emailed someone on the “out” list. No big deal, except that it was confusing to me. I was well used to her lies by then, and also used to not being allowed to challenge her lest I get her rage. So I tried the indirect route, and asked her if she’d heard from X lately? “No!” she said. And to PROVE it, she gave me the password to her email. I logged back in to her email with her encouragement, and she had DELETED the email so I wouldn’t see it. All over something silly. I didn’t care that she was communicating with X — I just didn’t want to be in the awkward position of approaching someone she’d “burned,” and then wondering why I got the cold shoulder or worse. I could give many more examples…

    Even for a non-narc, it would be annoying to have to provide proof of things. My wife’s lies were so convoluted, they did cartwheels on each other like Mobius strips. Even SHE could not keep track of them. One time she suggested that I do something (call it Z) that revealed one of her lies. When I did Z and her lie was exposed, and I confronted her, her exasperated response was something along the lines of, “It was only a little lie. If I’d remembered the lie, do you think I would have told you to do Z?” !!!

    If you are always honest, you don’t have to worry about “mistakes” like that. Trust is precious. Once broken, it is nigh impossible to rebuild. Your word is your integrity, and it is who you are. After 10,000,000 lies, my wife asked me to send her some money on the basis of a pity story that didn’t ring true. I literally said to her, “Are you asking me to impale myself on trust again?” And she replied, “Yes, I’m asking you to impale yourself on trust again.” Well, her pity story was ANOTHER lie, but on the 1% chance she was telling the truth, I’d sent her money. My bad; lesson finally learned. So, yeah, it’s going to take a heck of a lot of work. But if you have an SO who is willing to give you that chance to rebuild trust, don’t screw it up!!!

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    • Youch – that’s rough… and it’s definitely a life draining experience… Thank you for sharing your story with me. The damage we do is jaw dropping sometimes!

      My SO and I have decided to live as roommates for the time being. The person who’s been sleeping next to her for the past 6 years never existed. I am now moving into the guest room. I’d been sleeping in my office all week (except for one night I think) since I was doing a lot of late night writing and a part of me knew I was unworthy to share her bed.

      We both agree that space and privacy are essential – she has work she’s doing now to. We’ve had some WONDERFUL and VERY DEEP discussions over the past couple of days – and I’ve been using it as time to really dig in and practice being mindfully present. I FEEL HELPLESS THOUGH!!!

      Not about anything having to do with the relationship – we’re in mutual agreement there, but having to do with me. I CANNOT STOP THE GRANDIOS CONDESCENDING ASSHOLE living in my head from speaking up CONSTANTLY! And this is with my ABSOLUTE BEST MOST MINDFUL EFFORTS!!!

      I feel grounded and connected in the discussion – but my mouth moves and crap comes out! I know this is going to take time – it’s just so hard to be aware of the cause, patterns and solution, but still be uncontrolled in terms of a specific behavior… and unable to do anything about it…

      Sucking it up and putting my bigboy pants back on, but this is rough…

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  2. I think you’d do well to remember that we ALL have “clouds” of some kind; it’s the human condition. It’s remembering that there is ALWAYS sun behind the clouds, the sun never fails us if we let the clouds pass by without clinging to them. Mindfulness! Or as some would say, it’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey. I’m rooting for you!

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