Right now every hour of every day feels like it contains some small nugget of wisdom that helps me reorient and see things anew. This process has been so fast – and it just keeps building up steam.
Today I am EXCITED because I am imagining myself as ME – WITHOUT – MY DYSFUNCTION!
For many years I’ve joked with my SO about how impressed I am by her overall balance – and her ability to get things done, to move things forward with people, it’s really quite impressive to watch from inside my tiny lonely castle. I’ve always told her I was envious. “Boy, if I had your energy and your work ethic, I’d be unstoppable”.
Taking away the grandiosity of that last line, I’ve been thinking about this a lot since yesterday. Give me a moment as I try to keep my facts and fictions in line.
The REAL ME has whole lot going for him!
For instance, the REAL ME is intelligent at the mid to higher end of average, or just above. I have NEVER TAKEN an actual IQ test, not a real one anyway – despite my claims of holding a 146 IQ for so many years (which is around 10 to 15 points above the highest score I ever obtained via one of many on-line exams).
But it’s not my supposed intelligence that I am falsely proud of now. It’s how my brain operates – and it’s not false pride. One of my TRUE GIFTS is a natural talent for large-scale systems thinking and analytical problem solving.
I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. I am also proud of my TRUE GIFT of communication. The REAL ME is able to articulate thoughts quite well in the written form. I can apply these same gifts verbally as well when I can stop long enough to get out of my own way.
So now I’m trying to connect with my TRUE GIFTS and figure out what they are. It’s like discovering who I truly am for the very first time in my life – AND IT IS A LIBERATING EXPERIENCE!!!
Starting late last night – and as of now, I am EXCITED about the idea of ME – WITHOUT – my dysfunction. My burden already feels so much lighter – and after my next step, with my SO, I’ll be through the absolute worst part of this process!
In the meantime, I am imagining myself WITHOUT my self-defeating behaviors. And you know what? THAT GUY IS PRETTY DAMN AWESOME JUST AS HE IS!!! He is warm, kind, and funny; connected to his life – and has a true sense of adventure about this journey we’re all taking together.
As I said – these realizations are coming fast and furious now – and my WORLD IS OPEN AND ALIVE AGAIN!!! I still DO everything I’ve ALWAYS DONE – but now I feel like I know where it comes from, I understand what it is, I know what lies at the end of the process, and I am EXCITED by the idea of seeing the little boy inside me to grow up to be THAT man!
And – what’s even more wondrous. A small part of me is beginning to register that I AM ALREADY THAT MAN!