“Hello mom, hello wife – please set aside everything you know about me and listen for a moment. I am a soul sucking vampire, a monster born to drain the very essence of your heart, mind, and soul… I have existed for all the time that you have known me – a dark secret. The man you knew – he does not exist. There is only this dark, cruel thing – and I have already destroyed you.”
There are some things that are easy to say to the ones who love you – and there are some that aren’t. A conversation where you tell someone you care about that every aspect of you is a malignant lie is probably likely to rank right up there on anyone’s ‘oh shit!’ meter.
Add to this that you are TERRIFIED of what will happen in response, are bathed in a week long full-body panic attack, haven’t eaten or slept in days, have cried more than you ever thought possible, and more. Wrapped up with all of these child-like fear-driven emotions, you are also filled with anger, rage, resentment, and worse. It’s not fun. IT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUN!
The truth is – taking down these walls and stopping this cycle of madness has broken me again on the inside, but in a good way this time. It’s allowed me to realize how many people truly love me. It has also allowed me to stop seeing myself as a soul-sucking vampire out to destroy the world.
It’s not easy though – and I’m not done yet. As I write this, I am preparing for the third in an eight step process that I have outlined for myself. Now – some might try to tell me that the flow of this process is wrong – However, I feel that this is the route that I must take and the one that will give me the greatest chance at healing.
Step 1: Reach out to someone who SEES and HEARS me – and who LOVES ME ANYWAY! DONE TWICE (30 Sept 2014 and again on 2 Oct 2014)
Step 2: Find the strength to close the old wound that created my initial break in the first place. DONE (7 Oct 2014) WITH CONTINUING WORK AHEAD
Step 3: Bring my partner into my inner world and give her the chance to help me heal this pain. DONE (9 Oct 2014) WITH CONTINUING WORK AHEAD
Step 4: Learn to forgive and accept myself and find new ways of relating to the world and to my problems. UNDERWAY (ACT, Mindsight training, Learning to grow up…)
Step 5: Reach out to my daughter, work to heal old wounds and give her the unconditional love she always deserved – and get to know my grandson. FUTURE
Step 6: Repair breaches in personal relationships with close family members and friends. FUTURE
Step 7: Repair breaches in professional relationships with colleagues and friends. FUTURE
Step 8: Find true joy on my inner journey and create many enduring relationships. THE GOAL
*Note: List subject to change as I continue to adapt, heal, and grow.