As always, I am only speaking of MY experiences here…
When I am emotionally challenged by someone, or I perceive what could be interpreted as an emotional challenge, IT HAS A PHYSICAL EFFECT.
It’s a white hot rage that perks up its ears in the back of my mind. My insides begin to feel like they are vibrating with ANGER, sadness, and shame all at once. It’s very much like the physical sensation that comes with panic attacks, and it’s probably associated I’d guess. I become hyper vigilant and EASILY moved to anger and blamecasting.
I also go into ‘pounce mode’. Which means, I’m essentially waiting – almost hoping – to be challenged again by the same person so I can launch myself at them full force and RAGE RAGE RAGE! and when I’m done – I throw in a haughty word or two for good measure, and then I disappear before ‘the enemy’ has time to regroup.
In my mind I WON! And that feeds my sense of superiority. Somewhere inside me though, I know that I AM THE ONE WHO LOST… that sense of loss and failure just gets rationalized away and stuffed into my mental shame box that NO ONE has access to but me.
I may also become sad and depressed (BEHIND MY MASK) over this perceived failure. Which usually only lasts for a short while (as long as it takes to rationalize away the sense of failure). In most cases – the things that I do that I am REALLY ashamed of – they live in my mind forever and are CONSTANTLY replayed. All this does is feed the disease…
I had to delete my Facebook account because of this behavior issue. I spent all of my time raging at complete strangers over political, social, and religious issues.
-The Healing Narc