Well – welcome.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I am a narcissist. When I say this – I do not use the term lightly. Sure, I spend an inordinate amount of time in the mirror – and I LOVE to hear myself talk, but that’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A serious mental health problem.
I’ve spent time reading, studying, posting on forums, talking to my therapist, etc. If you look up NPD on line, you’ll find post after post after post about what terrible, horrible, inhuman monsters we are… and it’s likely all true. The terms predator and narcissist often go hand in hand. None of that is helpful to someone WITH NPD though.
There’s the book from Sam Vaknin and a few other works that draw from actual narcissists. However, a lot of it is quite self-serving – as per the disorder. It’s also not particularly helpful… Sam’s book, Malignant Self Love is an important read for anyone trying to come to terms with their sickness, but you need to remember that HE IS A NARCISSIST TO! This is both good in some ways and bad in others… and he doesn’t really offer a way out.
So what is the self-aware narc to do? Where do I go to find a safe and comforting place to share my journey and grow from it? They say writing can be cathartic when you are dealing with mental illness. I know this to be true based on past experiences – and, well, this will be the biggest and hardest undertaking of my life. So I’ve decided to create this anonymous blog and use it as a record of what’s happening inside my head.
I will tell you now – I am a sick and twisted individual with a lot of pent up shame and anger. The things I’ve done in the past – and the things that I do now, I am horrified by them. You are likely to be as well. The things that I think are even worse – by a rather significant order of magnitude. My point is, if you intend to join me on this journey, then be prepared for the darkness that is this cancer of the soul called narcissism.
What I am HOPING to do is 1) work out my thoughts and feelings, 2) give other NPDs the sense that they are not alone, and 3) provide insight into the NPD mind for those that do not (and cannot) fathom what it is we really are.
I may or may not be interactive, so please don’t trigger rage in my direction if I don’t respond to you. I’d also ask that if you are a ‘Non’ (someone without NPD) please don’t spit on me as the scum of the earth person that wiped YOU out. I didn’t do that – I’ve done enough damage in my own life and I have enough shame for ten lifetimes. Getting angry at me won’t help you. And it will just get my hackles up…
I don’t know how this will unfold or what it will be. I don’t know how long it will last or how useful it will be. I don’t know if anyone will read it or not. So no promises. With luck, perseverance, and support it will last a while though – and the last post will be about how wonderful life is. This is my very first post though – so let’s just take things one day at a time.
-The Healing Narc