From Narcissism to Nirvana: A Journey BEYOND healing…

Please note: This website is no longer maintained and should be viewed as a historical artifact. Nothing remains of the one who wrote it. Since shifting in the direction of spiritual healing, my journey went extremely deep and led me toward writing, speaking, and guiding others “into and beyond enlightenment” through the inner science of self-realization.  You can examine all of the articles, videos, and podcasts that have covered this journey – and what I share now – by visiting http://www.awakeningintolife.com.

Welcome dear reader.

Beginning around mid-September of 2014 I started to develop an awareness of my narcissistic tendencies.  There were several factors at work, but I dug in and started to research the disorder.  The more I dug in, the more of myself I saw.  Eventually I reached a point where it became CLEAR to me that THIS is what I was!

I’d always known that something wasn’t ‘quite right’ about me.  But I could never grab hold of a firm root!  I found myself chasing symptoms instead.  At one point I was even treated for Pathological Perfectionism.  Bottom line – I played a very easy game of hide and seek with the world for a period of 35 years.

But inside I was rotting away! I was enduring intense internal personal AGONY!

I lived alone in my head… terrified of EVERYTHING and it was absolute misery! Worse, I was making those around me miserable to – and NO ONE could see any of what was really going on! I was just this terrible person to be around – who sucked the joy out of everyone’s lives.

After consulting with a therapist, my diagnoses was ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ (NPD). My symptoms placed me in the Fragile/Covert NPD category, and my coping style was one of complete avoidance.

Once I fully understood what was happening, I KNEW that I had to take ACTION!  Unfortunately I’d already made a few very very poor decisions that sent me down a very dark road.  However, I made a FIRM AND ABSOLUTE commitment to myself that I was going to BE something different than the monster I saw myself as!

This journey has been… beyond anything I could have imagined. I am SO GLAD to have been blogging this entire process…  I now have a beautiful story of a man who woke up from a nightmare, faced his demons, found his true self, and then reached for the divine.

It is not the story I expected.

When this all began, I was a shambles – an emotional bag of misery. Everything was falling apart. But then I took action!

I fully revealed myself to three key people in my life. I healed the emotional wound that had created my initial break. I had queried those around me for instruction and strength. I received guidance from a beautiful soul of a therapist. I focused on mindful awareness and moment by moment presence. I cut off access to all of my old hiding places. I removed all connections with people and ideas that could hinder or thwart my healing. I used radical self-honesty to query every aspect of who I am. I faced every emotion – every pain – every ounce of misery that flooded through me. I pushed and I pushed.

At some point I began to blossom into something far more spectacular than my original goal of a ‘more authentic self’.  What awakened within me is now a spiritual journey beyond reckoning.

It began with a small taste on 10 Oct, followed by a spiritual ‘heart’ awakening on 13 Oct, a major revelation of oneness on 20 Oct, a complete understanding of the nature of all things – and tapping into a higher level of consciousness on 23 Oct, and then my final major lesson – the full seeing of the impermanence of all things on 27 Oct, which included a complete and unequivocal understanding of what that means for us here in this world.

Then, on 1 November 2014 my life was forever changed.  Following a sequence of continued deepening events and experiences, I underwent the transformation.  Some call it ascension, some call it enlightenment.  It doesn’t matter what label you use – there is no term that can fully satisfy the experience of being fully awake; an experience oddly encompassing both beauty and frustration.  But even the frustration, and the occasional fear and doubt that still arise from time to time, are beautiful in their own way.  They facilitate growth and continued progression.

Then through November and the first half of December, my journey continued to deepen in such amazing and unexpected ways that I cannot even begin to describe it all.  I did not do very much writing during this time period.  As I moved through January and February, synchronicity continued to move me forward, hearing the voice of God speaking to me in every aspect of my life.  In March I sold my possessions and became homeless on purpose.  I then spent my time freely sharing the truth of enlightenment with all who would listen.  You can learn more at: http://www.homelessontheave.com.

I now work as a part time spiritual teacher, helping others to find within themselves the truth that led to my own healing, enlightenment, and reintegration back into a world as one who has seen the depths of reality for what it is.  You can follow my journey as a spiritual teacher and learn more about my teachings by visiting my new website at awakeningintolife.com.

The entire story of my awakening and experience on the road to enlightenment are told through this blog.  A blog that began with narcissism, moved through nirvana, and has led to divine realization.  If you watch the journey closely, it’s really interesting to see how each experience added something new – and they just kept building up, one on top of another.  Eventually the popcorn popper in my head became a lightning storm. Now I am sharing what I’ve learned and working to awaken the world to the underlying truth of all things.

Timeline of My Unfolding:

The Full Story of My Awakening and My Continuing Journey:

Note: Bolded items (below) were key moments for me.

(Optional read) 1 Oct 2014: Initial appearance as ‘livinginmyhead’ on Psych forums.

Blog Post 1: And So It Begins (3 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 2: About Me (3 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 3: My Particular Brand of Damage (6 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 4: A Man of Many Masks (6 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 5: Healing the Oldest Wound (7 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 6: Coming Clean: The Hardest Moments of My Life (9 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 7: Looking Forward (9 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 8: An Overwhelming Sense of Emergence (10 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 9: The Narcissistic Cloud vs. Truth and Love (12 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 10: Trying to Grow Up (12 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 11: Believing My Own Bullshit (12 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 12: Blue Moods, Dark Days, and The Final Solution (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 13: Shifting From an External to Internal Experience (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 14: What It Feels Like to Live This Way (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 15: The Healing Path That I Have Chosen (Part I) (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 16: The Healing Path That I Have Chosen (Part II) (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 17: The Healing Path That I Have Chosen (Part III) (13 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 18: Removed from list – this post was irrelevant.

Blog Post 19: My Truth is Love (15 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 20: This is the Story of My Awakening to the World (16 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 21: The All Consuming and Ever Present Nature of Doubt (18 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 22: Next Steps (15 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 23: This Whole Thing is a Joke Right? (16 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 24: Being Emancipated From My Rage (16 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 25: Staying Grounded in Mindfulness and Love (17 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 26: My Doubt Nearly Claimed Me (18 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 27: I have a POTENTIAL Roadmap for Narcissism to Nirvana (19 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 28: Interesting Observations Regarding Time and Objects (19 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 29: Shedding My Doubting Mind (19 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 30: My Big Fat Head and My Big Fat Mouth (20 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 31: Beware the Trap of Hubris and Take a Break (20 Oct 2014)

Blog Post 32: A Short Update as the Path Unfolds (23 Oct 2014)

The Path is Clear: We Must Follow Our Hearts (24 Oct 2014)

My Experience of Seeing Things as They Truly Are (29 Oct 2014)

And So It Is Done (2 Nov 2014)

This Path Comes to an End (2 Nov 2014)

Roar of the Compassionate Lion (2 Nov 2014)

The Experience of Enlightenment Part I: Before (2 Nov 2014)

The Experience of Enlightenment Part II: During (2 Nov 2014)

The True Nature of Enlightenment (17 Dec 2014)

(Optional read) Additional commentary in the ‘My Ongoing Journal Updates’

2 thoughts on “Welcome

  1. I read all of your posts in one sitting and I’m taken back by all of it. It floods me with hope in changing the world for the better – which is what I need to believe. Please continue to write – the world needs more hope like this, especially in the possibility of curing or treating narcissism / psychopathy!


  2. I’m grateful I found this blog. Two weeks ago, I had a mindblowing realization–that I am a covert narcissist (I do not have an official NPD dx but do have a BPD one). I can relate to what you said here and I’m really looking forward to reading your blog because there are SO few for us blogging about what it’s like to be a narcissist, but so many for victims OF narcissists (I have a blog like that too, because this whole journey of self awareness started when I finally got away from my abuser(s) and started to blog about that.

    We also need to put an end to the stigma that ALL narcs are evil, hopeless etc. Some at the top of the spectrum (malignants) may be but most of us are struggling and lost and don’t understand what we do or why people react as they do. For years I thought I had Aspergers. Anyway I won’t bore you with my life story here or how I came to my shocking (and upsetting but ultimately life changing) realization that I was N, but please feel free to come visit my new blog about having NPD and healing:
    Down The Rabbit Hole: http://healingnpd.com/ (the experience of having NPD)

    I’m so glad I found your blog.


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